At what point in my life did I start believing that my outward appearance determined my worth. I don’t have a memory of one instance where my brain said fat = worthless, but instead a montage of images that taught me what the world thought a persons worth correlated to, especially for women. I have spent years having people telling me to lose weight, of watching t.v. with a predetermined vision of what females should be, magazines, movies, you name it. It has been a constant barrage of reminders how I don’t fit what the world sees as worth in women. This doesn’t just relate to size either. I felt not girly enough, too tall, too broad shouldered, to smart, not classically pretty enough, the wrong hair color, the wrong skin color, the wrong facial features, too deep of a voice… the list can go on and on. I can pick almost any part of who I am and find a way to turn it into a reason for why I am not good enough. Some where in my past I didn’t have these thoughts.Somewhere there was a day that I first said this part of me = worthlessness and then instead of stopping that mantra I let it grow into a neurological tract that is set on repeat. It has kept me from living. It has consumed my time and distorted my memories. Just this Friday I attended our school formal and with every photo I am reminded how unattractive I see myself as. I have believed that I am not worth anyone’s time, attention, and especially not their love. Now at the age of 37 it has crippled me. I met a man that I wholeheartedly believe is the perfect match for me, but I have talked myself into believing it will never be possible because I am not good enough for him. I am taking away any possibility there is by telling myself that my weight is going to stop him from loving me. It is over before it can even begin. Even as I write this I am comparing myself to the women in a TV show and thinking how I am not them and therefore will never be worth something.
If I can train my brain into believing worthlessness, I then can train it into finding worth. If I say enough times that I am worthy and that every part of me is unique to me and makes me who I am, maybe I will eventually believe it. Maybe I can take back control from the world that has taught me that I am not good enough for it.